My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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