we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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