he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
