And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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