just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think my moral compass just broke
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
