Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
