so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
