I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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