That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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