i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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