Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
