sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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