i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
