Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
