My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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