Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
