my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
