my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
