he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
