I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
