I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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