I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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