Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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