This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
