The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
