I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
