my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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