Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
