Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
