i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
