I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
