Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
