i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Randomize
