no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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