guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
