Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
