your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
