When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
