So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
