You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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