She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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