OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
