i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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