I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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