4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
