I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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