Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
