I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
