Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Will exercising make me less horny?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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