I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
