i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
