My first STD was from a foam party
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
