saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
