These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The beer is more important than you right now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
