I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
